Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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