I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
