I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
