You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
