I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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