everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
