My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
