I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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