I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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