OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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