I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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