I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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