my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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