Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
