I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
