My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
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