Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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