i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
