Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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