so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Randomize
