i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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