I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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