you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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