If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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