I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
