I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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