I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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