If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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