Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
