I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
