I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
