i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
