I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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