my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
FUCK WHALES
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