i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
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