life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
