Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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