just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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