She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
