Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
