He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You may now shotgun with the bride
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
