Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
