Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
