I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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