Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
