The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
