i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Everyone says I win the strip club
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
