Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
