The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
