I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
